Tag Archives: Valentine’s Day

Eight Dishes to Get Your Valentine Thinking About Sex

11 Feb

If you’re an avid SFoodie reader you know these last few weeks have been ultra scandalous, from a faux condom dessert to vegan vulva cake, we’ve no doubt gotten some of you in the mood. And with Valentine’s Day around the corner, we want you to stay that way, but with a bit more subtlety — like with these eight dishes designed to get your valentine salivating.


Carina’s cheesy heart dip.
8. Cheesy hearts.
Stuff with hearts are mandatory for this holiday. We recommend making a simple artichoke heart and hearts of palm dip. Top it with cheese and roasted cherry tomatoes. Dipping and scooping will put you in the mood, and your date will know how perfectly cheesy and romantic you are.

7. Tossed salad.
A tossed salad can be boring, but never underestimate the double entendre. On love’s special day we recommend tossing in aphrodisiacs: rocket, phallic carrots, avocado, and pine nuts all have a rep as romantic stimulants, so toss ’em in! During this course, feel free to mention in passing, “Howard Stern was talking about salad-tossing this morning. You’d never want to try thatwould you?”

6. Alcohol, the social lubricant.
On a holiday like this, remember: Rosé is okay, but bubbles are better. What’s better than better? Hard liquor! Couldn’t afford a romantic seaside escape? Make a Sex on the Beach. Also approved is any cocktail with the word “kiss” in its name, though the word “cocktail” sort of throbs as it is.

5. Get some balls.
The circular form just screams good time. We happen to think meatballs are best. They also often accompany spaghetti, which is a few steps away from some Lady and the Tramp action. Other ball variations we like: albondigas, falafel, odango.

4. Shuckin’ and suckin’.
Since the days before Caligula, oysters have been the world’s best-documented aphrodisiac. Hard to deny they share a likeness to ladyparts, from the way they’re opened (shucked) to the manner in which they’re consumed (slurped). Plus they’re packed full of protein, so they nourish for hours. Other seafood hotness: mussels and clams, which open up ever so lightly when steamed. And uni is simply the sexiest seafood there is.

3. Red hots.
Red’s the color of passion, whether from a nice slab of juicy meat, chiles, Syrah, strawberries, cherries, or tomatoes — so it needs to be on the table. The only things we caution against are beets. Though delicious, they’re not so great for romance. Hit the bathroom after dinner and you might think you have to hit up the emergency room.

2. Chemical romance.
It’s cliche to say that women prefer chocolate to sex, but often it’s true: Chocolate (mainly dark) hits brain’s neurotransmitters, leaving one feeling happy and energized. If only every man could offer such a payoff. After a piece of dark chocolate, your female date’s brain will be oozing positive vibes … followed, maybe, by other organs.

1. Bananas + cream.
Dessert time. Hot apple pie is for teenagers, banana cream pie is for lovers. Do we have to spell it out for you?

Original published on sfweekly.com – Original Post

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For Valentine’s Day, Consider These Bad News Bears

31 Jan

Sling ready: Citizen Cake's Be Mine Bears.

​Think your valentine wants a cuddly stuffed bear this year? Think again. (What, are you in fourth grade?) Anyone past the age of acquiring secondary sex characteristics wants something naughtier than kiddie toys for V-Day. One option: the unbelievably awesome Be Mine Bears at Citizen Cake. The female bear is in lingerie and sports another animal part … the camel toe. As for males, one comes in undies with a heart-on, the other mimics real live bears in SOMA, complete with leather harness. One word: Hot! Plus this is Citizen Cake, so you know they’re delicious.

The adorable drunk gummy.

​If you’ve got a DIY bent, how about making drunk gummy bears? These babies will show your valentine beyond the shadow of a doubt that you care, and that you know how to class up Jell-O shots. For complete instructions, see this eHow article. Basically, you put gummy bears in a bowl with vodka (we recommend Pinky, since it’s the color of the season), cover, and refrigerate overnight. The bears soak up the vodka, and you soak up some very special attention from a tipsy valentine.

A recap: To get stuffed this V-Day, stay away from stuffed teddys, and explore instead the darker side of bears.

Original published on sfweekly.com – Original Post