Pledge for 2011: No More Food Excuses

11 Jan

Oh, the burn!

Sure, we’ve all pretended to spill wine on an article of clothing, just to have an excuse to remove it at that crucial date moment. I used to call it my signature move: a little wine on the skirt and it simply must be removed before it stains, leaving me helpless in lace chonies. Like Jamie Foxx, I’d blam the wine, though that would be like Eve blaming the apple.

Food and beverage excuses are so common it’s no surprise that a food and beverage capital like San Francisco would be home to the most absurdly despicable of all: the Twinkie defense. It turns out that Twinkies were never mentioned in Dan White’s trial, nor were they actually blamed for the murders of George Moscone and Harvey Milk, but the term has become a catchword for the most ridiculous excuses.

Today, excuses like the Twinkie Defense are far from outlandish. We’ve seen people blame fasting for groping and too much caffeine for murder. Food seems to be the go-to for trouble these days. Recently, a Florida man was allegedly masturbating on a plane from Salt Lake City to Lewiston, Idaho, causing his neighbor, a 17-year-old-girl, to switch seats and notify the flight attendants. When police questioned him after the plane landed, he said he’d spilled Tabasco sauce on his crotch and was trying to get it off. The man was arrested after being caught, but not red handed, since no Tabasco sauce was found.

Our colleagues at Seattle Weekly offer this food for thought:

Even if his Tabasco yarn was true, it would seem that a heavy dousing of water or ice would be the way to tackle a burning-hot-sauce penis, and not yanking it out and rubbing it furiously.

Let’s hope 2011 offers fewer food and beverage excuses. For now, though, keep your snakes from getting loose on the plane and stick to the superior hot cock sauce: Sriracha.

Original published on sfweekly.com – Original Post

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